a few last minute notes on pregnancy

there’s a few things i don’t want to forget about being pregnant.

time has a way of softening memory.

softening is good, but realism is, well, more real.  

a few facts of pregnant.

facts on my version of pregnant.

i’m a lazy pregnant.

i have good intentions- that are instantly destroyed by general overall discomfort.  

i attempt the whole workout deal while i’m exploding gig, but when i start reaching critical level and a light jog causes discomfort….. i shut it down.

my new workout routine, i believe, is most sufficient for my condition.

first on the agenda is a movement from the couch to my bed.

pure success if i can figure out a way to get from my back, to an upright standing position, and then find myself supine once again.

this late in the game the whole roll to your side, to get to a sitting position, to then somehow manage to find yourself upright- is a strenuous endeavor.

equivalent to a 5 mile sprint.

a check next to aerobic activity.  

next on my workout routine is the mere act of bending over.  

the other day i dropped a stack of papers- i knew it was time to strap on my workout mentality and get to work.

papers don’t come off the floor easily in normal situations; when you have a belly perfectly inhibiting your flexibility-ability, buckle down.  

i’m no stranger to deep squats- mr. macho try your hand at bending down when pregnant.

it’s a whole new world of physical prowess.

i never knew that touching the ground could give me such a life high.

it seems my ability to hold onto things has diminished significantly these last few months.

every time i see an object hit the ground my whole soul shouts obscenities.

after which i make the long strenuous movement to earth from standing.

each minor movement on my trek down is ridiculously difficult.

successful retrieval is worthy of a check off on the whole anaerobic workout checklist.

how about standing.

being lopsided in the front really hinders the comfort of such an activity.

not to mention if i do it too long my cankles become thankles which makes waddling around that much more difficulty.

speaking of waddling- why that becomes my natural mode of transportation i know not why.

waddling is way more strenuous than the normal walk or gait, but for some reason being pregnant naturally induces this movement.

now on the subject of sleeping- because that’s a workout all its own.

a cocoon of pillows can only go so far.

small bladder problems- and an infant kung fu kicking the bladder every few moments make for extra night owl aerobic workout sessions.

for some reason getting up out of bed in the middle of the night is way, way, more difficult than during the day.  

limbs have numbed from awkward sleep positions.

the belly has cramped up on one side.

general weight distribution has gotten crazy during a few hours of restless slumber.

all are a tragic combination when you have to urinate at 3 a.m.

i must say this addition to the workout routine comes in rather handy when a newborn arrives.

i’m already use to waking up during the night- i’d much rather be waking up to snuggle a child than to use the restroom.

now that my workout schedule has been discussed- a few things on pregnancy in general.

trimester 1- deceit and deception period.

a few spells of nausea.

an attempt at hiding a potential belly bump.

a general look of weight gain that’s not cute in any way.

trimester 2- the pregnancy golden time period.  

i actually look pregnant.

i can actually still function.

a real workout regime is still in place.

teeny movements start (my favorite).

trimester 3- the all hell breaks loose period.  

 *see notes above and in previous posts……

what to never say to a pregnant woman- ever.

if you’re a man:

i understand. (oh hell no you don’t.)

i can only imagine. (there’s no way in hell you can ever imagine.)

people in general:

you look uncomfortable. (no shit, please never say that again.)

you look tired. (ummm see above response.)

you look like you’re ready. (please, just don’t)

-pretty much any statement on how i appear that isn’t positive should never be said.

and my favorite no-no statement:

just pop that baby out. (don’t ever refer to the act of labor as “pop”- you make it sound easy….. it is not. pop is demeaning.)

the greatest thing another human being can do for me when i’m pregnant is genuinely say something kind to me.

i believe i’ve beat the dead horse of pregnancy banter this go around.

just wanted to make sure i don’t miss any of these pregnancy treasures.

i’m hoping mary and this child may find a little dose of love for me if they know what we moms go through for them.

a child is the only thing that makes pregnancy worth it- they are the single greatest thing i’ve ever done with my life.

love all you mother’s a bit more every time i’m pregnant.

thank you.