baby and a toddler

on wednesday, the 13th, it will be 6 weeks since our family became 4.
i have no idea how 6 weeks came and went.
my activities consisted of literally nothing, while seeming like everything simultaneously.
i'm a believer in the newborn cave.
defined: a home or apartment that turns shut-in while a newborn is living in it. minimal guests, even more minimal light (bc we live in a basement), a transitional area for life from womb to outdoors.
this cave has been mine and eve's holding-
we've had a couple of outdoors experiences.
my head got swimmy, my eyes burned from over exposure to light, the fresh air was gagging, any contact with outside humans felt foreign and borderline alien-like.
once i became accustomed to newborn cave living, other living became a bit strenuous.
this new life is built on my one desire to keep this teeny baby healthy.
the postpartum emotional hoopla that takes place is another good reason for the newborn cave.
no one wants to see postpartum emotional me.
i don't even get the depression or the kind of emotional that requires medication-
i just get the hormonal adjusting kind of emotional for about a month.
this period for me consists of an amped up anti-socialness.
i'll be honest by nature i have a larger helping of anti-social;
so postpartum anti-social status is extreme when comparing to normal human status.
my days have consisted of lots and loads of newborn and/or toddler snuggling.
that's the finest thing about newborn caves- it includes lot's of newborn time.
in my opinion spending time with a newborn is the closest thing to living in heaven.
the past couple of weeks i've spent a few days solo caring for our two kids.
before eve's arrival i would read or hear people saying how stressful motherhood was.
i can honestly say that i never felt that way with mary- i mean never.
my understanding of stressful parenting was null.
now that we have two-
i understand and i feel a bit guilty that i do.
trying to fulfill the needs of a newborn and anything else really is a difficult task (that includes myself, but my needs can take the back burner with minimal repercussions).
i feel extra guilty that i feel stressed out over these two perfect humans.
every day is getting better and i'm hoping to a return of my previous motherly feelings, but at the moment this whole two thing is really an adjustment like i was never expecting.
a beautiful adjustment that's hard in all it's loveliness.
it's really quite hard to describe a situation like this- the most exceptionally happy time in my life laced with moments of confusing hardness.
i'm incredibly grateful i've been entrusted with these two perfect people.
they teach me every day.
mother is what i've always wanted to be- and it keeps surpassing my outrageously high expectations.
even with the hard; because with every second of hard there's many more of great in comparison.
here's to 6 weeks of some of the finest and most interesting days of my life so far.