a discussion on breastfeeding

It's my first time
A learning curve I was uneducated on
They said it was primal, second nature, which made me assume it was easy.
For being natural it sure seemed to come unnaturally at first.
My Eve is a solid breast feeder,
my Mary never did.
Easy it is not.
An education individualized for each individual child.
I've fallen in love with it.
The hard with the natural.
It's brought me a mother-child bond like I've never experienced.
Those moments at 2 am where it's just she and I- those are instances that can't be expressed.
A spiritual type of experience in a way only a mother can relate.
A newborns eyes are a direct outlet to heaven for me.
That gaze speaks a million phrases that language can't translate.
For me it's an especially keen gateway in the wee hours of the night.
It's heavenly.
I've never felt closer to God then when I've been around a newborn.
It's been my most fulfilling role- that of mother.
My Aunt Lyn will look over my babies and tell me what a beautiful job I've done.
It's the greatest compliment I've been given.
When Mary wouldn't nurse and I was pumping my Aunt Lyn came over.
She said something like "Doesn't it give you a sense of accomplishment when you look at that healthy baby and you can think to yourself- I did that."
I reminded her that mary wasn't breastfeeding, that I was merely pumping.
She reminded me that it was still my milk either way she got it.
That comment was heaven using her as a gift to me.
I was frustrated.
Felt like a failure.
I'd vowed to breastfeed my whole life.
It didn't work out for me with mary.
After the shock of a c-section and the fear mary wasn't getting enough milk,
I did my best to take care of both of us.
My best involved giving up the breastfeeding battle and pumping instead.
For my aunt to so beautifully say that so I viewed my contribution differently changed my whole perspective.
So I pumped.
I watched a baby grow.
I watched her get chubby.
In the back of my mind I congratulated myself.
A little more every time I hooked that pump up.
Because the thought of failure was my alternative- the ideas of insufficiency easily crept in.
So I looked at my Mary and I kept pumping for six months and then she ate solid food enough that I didn't feel disappointed in my quitting.
Eve has been different.
My experience with her has been everything I had imagined having babies would be.
We figured out breastfeeding she and I.
Every time I count a roll I congratulate myself,
And I feel grateful for the opportunity, because I didn't get it the first time.
Breastfeeding had been a long held motherly dream of mine.
I always wanted to fulfill that need for my babies.
I'm thankful my Eve has allowed me such a uniquely spiritual experience for me as a mother.