when i met my mary

it’s been 1 year, 11 months, 1 week, and almost 1 day since i met mary-

which in reality i created into a significant moment so i’d have a good reason to write about our introduction.

i've started this time and time again

today i finished it. 

so welcome- (and if you haven't given birth you may want to pass.)

i'd prepped for this moment since i knew birth existed.
saw that movie they show in high school- that's shown to prevent teen pregnancy.
paid extra attention in hollywood movie portrayals of birth/labor/pregnancy.
read up on my anatomy.
asked my veteran sisters- the one just older than me gave me the honest details.
i religiously studied "what to expect when you're expecting."
thorough is the only way i went about my pregnancy/labor/birth studies.
none of that shit can ever prepare you.
ever.
ever.

i thought i had expected everything and then it was my time.
i had been scheduled for induction the monday following my due date.
all i knew was that i. did. not. want to be induced-
so on october the 18th i enlisted every measure that is supposed to induce labor.
my main arsenal was walking/elliptical
i did that for a long, long, long time.
then i crossed my fingers and went to bed.

a surprise woke me.
cramping- bad cramping.
then i "peed" my pants.
you know to be honest, i thought i was a minor bit tough until i started having contractions- in that moment i realized i’m a weak sauce baby when it comes to pain.

we went in around 3 a.m.

contractions every 8 minutes

barely dilated

they said, 

"come back when you can’t breathe due to pain.

see you on monday.”

i snoozed a bit- my mind wrapped around the idea of monday and this being a minor incidence.

then 7 am came around,

and a whole new world of the reality of real pain was opened up to me.

every couple minutes

my whole soul wanted to destroy itself to end my present experience.

someone once described it to me like a full body toe stub that lasts longer-

ya times a 100 worse.

so we ensued on our 30 minute drive to the hospital which felt like 4 hours because every few minutes i had to buckle down for misery in waves.

we arrived.

they decided they would see me today.

i got pep talks about how contractions aren't that bad (and i assumed either those nurses had never had babies or it had been a very, very, long time since they had....)

then i asked for meds- because i know there is something they can give me.

a fine trainee nurse came in-

she fished around in my left hand

my left arm

and my right arm

with a needle

and i was trying to stop my body from convulsing on account of pain.

please nurse trainers- do not have trainee’s train on contracting women- ever.

had i had my right mind about me i would have offered a word or two of my opinion on what had just taken place.

finally the “nurse” nurse found a vein with ease and i shouted a mental hallelujah.

they gave me a shot of something that took the edge off those contractions and i’ve never felt so euphoric via relief in all my life.

this unstoppable euphoria was quickly topped when that epidural made birthing heaven possible.

thank you pain relievers.

so then the long dilate wait.

they started doing some extra monitoring because teeny mares heart rate was staying low after contractions.

they also found some blood in the amniotic fluid.

after some monitoring and waiting and anticipating i heard these dreaded words, “you may need to have a c-section.”

shut you’re mouth.

i’ve got a hip radius made for birthing babies- this isn’t my reality.

i never wrapped my head around the possibility until my dr. came in and said we’re going to do a c-section.

to which i pleaded for another way-

but that was the way (i’ve wondered since if it was just her way or the real way, but i shouldn’t do that because I have a healthy kid running free in this world.)

after 21 hours of labor
they wheeled me in under the bright lights

and thus began the unnatural removal of a child from a mother.

which seemed like forever-

and then I saw her.

she was all too familiar to me.   

i instantly knew our fates had been aligned in the pre-eternities because i knew her.

i recognized her like i would myself in the mirror.

she was my yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows and i met them all right at that moment.

there’s no describing the instant you meet your child.

in that moment you believe you’ve plateaued when it comes to happiness, joy, euphoria, and love; but then the next moment comes and you’re astonished at your ability to feel all those things even more than you did before.

having a child is really a real life magically miraculous moment.

it’s nothing like you expected in the most beautiful of ways.

then the reality to the experience of extreme joy is there has to be an equal experience in opposition.

well that experience is called post-partum.
mine was rough- it took the whole 6 weeks and beyond.

between still feeling 7 months pregnant, recovering from abdominal surgery, having a monster period for a month straight, not being able to bath or dress myself, being denied physical abilities like vacuuming and picking up anything, battling the breastfeeding, and being depressed and crazy with an imbalance of hormones i felt like i could barely handle myself let alone care for a teeny new human being.

cue mother- aka life-saver extraordinaire. 

she made living that first week bearable. 

thank you so much mother for doing a million things you'll never know you did. 

i’ve heard of mothers feeling indifferent or otherwise towards their newborns- i feel very blessed i never felt anything but love and complete gratitude for Mary.

what i did feel was a deep hatred for myself, and i was ashamed i felt the way i did.

mary wasn't a keen breastfeeder.

naive me believed it would be easy as pie- it's natural you see. 

that's the biggest mom-child instant relationship lie i've ever heard.

breastfeeding is rough.

or at least for mary and i it was rough and usually my stubborn self would have forced it to work.

i didn't have it in me at that moment.

so i depressingly gave up all my childhood dreams of breastfeeding and gave my child the bottle. 

i did pump- but that's another story for another time. 

naturally all my birth and breastfeeding plans became the exact opposite of what i had dreamed of my whole life. 

that's a recurring theme here. 

i was incredibly disappointed with my situation. 

depressed. 

but then i'd look at mary. 

and with every deep depressive feeling i had about how things had turned out and my present physical situation i felt a happiness that was 100 times stronger. 

it was a crazy time in my life- the happiest and saddest i've ever been. 

i'm grateful every day for my sweet mary. 

she really is all my yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows. 

without her i wouldn't be me. 

i owe many of my happiest moments to her and i'll never be able to repay her for having me as her mama. 

what i learned from bearing children: from our ugliest struggles most often rise our most beautiful triumphs. 

 happiest of weekends everyone.