a move

i've had a few dreams that's are so vivid and so realistic that when i wake up i nearly mistake it for a memory of something i actually experienced. 
with dreams like this i try to go back to sleep and force my mind to finish off where it left off. 
i feel every real life emotion. 
i've even woken up physically responding to emotions induced by dreaming before. 
that's how i feel right now- having just moved away from nyc. 
it's like waking up from the greatest dream you've ever had and desperately longing to go back to sleep. 
but i haven't and I'm not going to for at least a half year to a year. 
so it almost feels like it never happened. 
i couldn't possibly have lived in manhattan- not me, monique. 
nyc is where 8+ million other people live but I could never be included in that number. 
never. 
ever. 
my heart hurts because i honestly feel like i could have never lived there, that it never really happened, because something so incredibly magnificent couldn't possibly be a small chapter of my life. 

but it was. 
i have about 10,000 pictures to prove my life existed there. 
i've written hundreds of thousands of words about my experiences. 
my heart hurts thinking i won't be there for a season. 
i don't think I've ever fallen so surprisingly and completely in love with a place before- 
i do hate things about it but my memory has softened and been overtaken by the fond experiences for the moment. 
how can i ever adequately describe or remember living. 
how can i give so much life to my words that i literally re-experience every small moment i had over the last year of my life. 
how can i describe this lonely longing i feel deep in my soul so well that my kids kids will feel it too? 
how can words effectively describe the beautiful act that is me living? 
i wish words could give life to experience because right now i hate the way i feel and wish i could genuinely feel like i did.

with all that being said i have desperately missed my family. 
it's been really hard for me to be the only sibling that can't be apart of the family. 
i have a 6 month old nephew, rocky, i've never even met. 
all my other nieces and nephews will have grown so much they won't be the kids i knew.
the only way i can adequately communicate with my one grandmother is to see her in person; she was one of my best friends through some of my hardest years in life- i've terribly missed seeing her more often. 
my souls has been aching to sit down at my other grandparents table and spend real-life time with them. 
the phone is great, skype is wonderful, but with some people time around them is the only real way to communicate with them. 
my fathers the type of man you want to just be around- and that's the best way to get to know him. 
my mother makes everyday living an adventure. 
i miss having my everyday life made into something epic. 
i've been longing for some time with my parents. 
then there are my siblings- my favorite people. 
going into the reasons i miss those 5 would take a novel. 
then there are my long time friends- the soul mates of friends that i have missed babies being born, weddings, and life changes i wish i could have been around to support them for. 
there's a million reasons it's good to be back to match the million reasons i hate being back. 
life can be really complicated.... i love-hate this moving thing right now.
  i have a lot of things in going to back write about- i hope you don't mind humoring me. 
i'm extra grateful to you, my readers- 
i have wanted to be a better journal keeper and you have helped me become better. 
so thank you for helping me remember my life. 
it's a priceless gift i'll never be able to adequately repay. 
here's to going through all the crazy emotions associated with an unknown future that was preceded by a most beautiful past.