medieval nyc

nyc a modern city?
for being so "modern" it lacks a few modern amenities.
i have been compiling a mental list of what it lacks.
because let's be honest they weren't hard to spot.
they are lurking in every corner on every street and found most often not in alleys but on main streets.
their non-existence makes for rather uncomfortable circumstances.....
so just so everyone is prepared for the medievality of nyc here's what to prep for.

1. no toilets anywhere
but seriously....
i know where a few are in the city- and i make sure to stop at them anytime i am within half mile.
public restrooms are nearly nil.
expecting to find some in a public park?
wouldn't count on it.
maybe that kind business will let you wee in one of their stalls?
no, no they will not
you're pregnant? sorry madam- walk the 4 miles to the nearest one while you pass about 10,000 on your way there.
good luck finding a restroom.

and because of #1 there is
2. pee
a. in the streets
b. in the subway
c. on the elevators
d. by that shrubbery
e. in any nook or cranny you can think of really
hate the smell of urine?
makes you a bit nauseous?
better tighten that stomach up fast because your in for a whiff.

3. feces
-those loving pet owners don't like cleaning up dog diarrhea as much as the next person
so when fido has bowel problems
watch out
those fancy kicks will quickly become the bane of your walking existence.
good luck washing dog poop smell out of anything
that leisurely stroll takes a turn for the worst when peppy the pup sharts all over the pavement.
i love you dog but could someone please come up with one of those poop pouches they have for horses for dogs?
thanks.

4. plastic
you know that modern amenity called a credit card- well watch out vacationer that's not accepted here.
ok some places it is....
but some of the finest experiences must be purchased with cash
the cold hard stuff- it's king around these parts.
didn't know you needed cash for anything anymore until i moved here.
turns out you need it for a lot of things-

5. walking
i don't suppose many other cities in america have more people that don't own a car than do
best strap on your finest pair of foot apparel
the subway is legit but even if you use it all the time you'll still find yourself walking an inordinate amount.
rather prehistoric means of transportation in this modern age- but hey there's no finer way to see a city and this is one medievally modern city that needs seeing.

these are the tops for why nyc is medieval.
prep yourself for some of the most prehistoric behavior you never thought you would encounter.
happy best day of the week everyone (because i'm 100% partial to thursday).